You might imagine that any person diagnosed with a terminal illness would have some sort of bucket list. A list of things to check off before death. I didn’t have one written out nor did I feel like I needed to accomplish anything other than showering everyone with my love. I had a full life review with this diagnosis. I moved through each chapter of my life and tried to make sense of it all. I moved through any darkness left to find the light. I grieved my childhood. My teen years. My traumas that I left untouched. The future that I may never have. But after that I found joy in revisiting the places that I already loved. No need to add anymore. Sharing it all with Lily was everything I needed. That being said, some opportunities presented themselves and I would think “this would be a Bucket List moment.” Joni Mitchell performing at The Gorge was one of them.
Joni Mitchell had been one of my favorite artists of all times since my early teens. My mom used to sing and play her music all of the time. She would talk about Canada as her bucket list place to go - and we would sing “Oh, Canada…” Blue was my favorite album to listen to while falling in love for the first time. I was nineteen when I booked a one way flight to Monterey to be with him — playing “California” on repeat.
In 2020, I brought Lily into this world. Mom came to help me during that desperate, newborn time. For two months, we started the mornings with the album “Shine.” As a lover of music, I have been to hundreds of concerts in my lifetime but this is one show that would be more fulfilling than most. Right up there with my experiences of seeing Jackson Browne. It was a high dose chemo day in October 2022 when I googled the tickets. Jason had just left to run some errands during my usual nap time. The show was set for June 2023, which would be beyond my original prognosis. I daydreamed about the idea of taking my Mom with me, even though she is not the same kind of show goer that she used to be. Maybe we can add a trip to Canada too? To make this bucket list experience even better, it was being held at The Gorge Amphitheater, the one venue in the states that I would love to experience before I die. It was, literally, all the way across the country, just a couple of hours outside of Seattle. And in my chemotherapy high, I thought this was a great idea. I couldn’t believe it when I found four lawn seats for about three hundred dollars each. I bought them all for about fifteen hundred dollars with fees. When I received my receipt, I realized that I wasn’t on the site that I thought I was on. Oh, shit.
I spent the next hour on Reddit trying to find out more information about this site. I just dumped fifteen hundred dollars, for a concert, across the country, beyond my expiration date– and now I realize that this may have been a scam. This was the most awake that I had felt in months and then suddenly – Jason came in through the door. He slowly creeped into the bedroom, surprised when he found me awake. I have a confession. I was so happy to find him laughing at me versus being upset about my big, possibly-scam, purchase. I should not be left alone while on high dose chemo. Luckily, the tickets from the questionable scalpers were emailed to me, and seemed legit enough —but I would never know until I was let into the show. I decided it’s better to not make any flight purchases until I knew that I would actually be alive for the concert the next year and even though I felt like I had done something really wild, it felt good to know that, should I survive, there was something to look forward to.
In Spring of 2023, I had a clean result, and I happily booked the trip to Seattle for the trip of a lifetime. When I initially booked the tickets, I was imagining my Mom would join me but that was also quite the fantasy. My mom had joined me to a lot of shows and live music throughout the years but at this moment in her life, she was too weak to make it happen. Jason thought it would be best for him to stay behind with Lily and I agreed. Nicole lives in Seattle so she was a given and I invited Jillian to fly out and meet us. The fourth ticket was one that I would have given away to someone, but at the same time I didn’t want to risk giving someone else a ticket that may or may not be a faux. Seattle was a breath of fresh air and I immediately fell in love with the city. The weather in June was perfect and to be with two of my best girlfriends elevated everything about it. We cruised from Seattle to the Gorge to join 250,000 people for the absolutely best show of my life. I finally exhaled when our tickets were scanned. The crowd was an eclectic mix of old hippies and millennials, a lot of kind people, tucked in tighter than any festival that I have ever been to. The Joni Jam was made up of some of the most influential artists - hosted and organized by Brandi Carlile - such as Annie Lennox, Sarah McLachlan, Marcus Mumford, and more. I took that trip for six days, which was the longest that I had ever been away from Lily. I was worried about the experience of being away from her but truthfully it was the best gift to myself. It gave me a moment to remember who I am without my daughter. Who I am, without my husband. And who I am, away from cancer. I returned refreshed. And more than anything, I returned grateful for taking a chance on a bucket list item, and staying alive for it.
This is one of my favorite memories. So glad I got to be there with you. I think I watched you enjoy the show more than I watched the show. Thank you for loving me.
So happy to read that your tickets were legit! And the smile in the photo says it all. 🩷